Today.
I got part of the freedom i wanted so badly.
But part seems just not enough.
It made things becoming awkward.
Out of the norm.
But at least.
My wavy pressure is gone for the moment.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Who am i, and, Who i am
Still...
in progress...
of accepting whats the fact, what is dream, and what is just beyond capability..
Genap setahun..
Menerima 20keping not 50..
setiap bulan...
Still...
its quite a bumpy ride after all..
A very hectic, everyday routine..
Which i hate, everytime, every second of it
Still...
Thats the fact..
And a longing for some self satisfaction..
Getting it just when i'm not in this world..
is indeed frustrating..
A dream that never came true..
Maybe I'm not born for this...
i don't know
Still living....
Still breathing....
But the heart has stopped its function..
i have lost the will to continue all this junk life..just holding a bit to a fragile strength..
i don't know anymore..
Just until when all of them are gone..
Maybe till then..
I'll know..
My true colour..
My destiny..
My own lil space..called 'home'
in progress...
of accepting whats the fact, what is dream, and what is just beyond capability..
Genap setahun..
Menerima 20keping not 50..
setiap bulan...
Still...
its quite a bumpy ride after all..
A very hectic, everyday routine..
Which i hate, everytime, every second of it
Still...
Thats the fact..
And a longing for some self satisfaction..
Getting it just when i'm not in this world..
is indeed frustrating..
A dream that never came true..
Maybe I'm not born for this...
i don't know
Still living....
Still breathing....
But the heart has stopped its function..
i have lost the will to continue all this junk life..just holding a bit to a fragile strength..
i don't know anymore..
Just until when all of them are gone..
Maybe till then..
I'll know..
My true colour..
My destiny..
My own lil space..called 'home'
Thursday, June 9, 2016
The 24 hour journey
That day..
Getting her out of my sight..
I managed to have my own quality time, in my own little space..
Even i did overslept a bit..
6.30
Started engine..
Get out of the house..
Thinking of going to the beach road, but instead i drove to the left..passing through Pasar Batu 6..glancing over his office..then make my way to the highway..
Having the PLUS card in my grasp..i drove slowly..40-60km/hour..
7.00
Found the R&R on the left..
When i parked the car..its not Maghrib yet..
So i waited in the car..
A bus parked by..small childrens of 'sekolah agama' get off..make their way to the surau..
The teachers hang around for a bit..made me thinking if him..maybe this bus is on its way back from TTI..where he's working on right now..sending flyers on his 4x4 wheelchair..
Yup..he got his passion in his career..so that he could shake hands with the 'kadi' someday..proudly announcing the words.."aku terima nikahnya..."
While i'm here..in the car..running away from the harsh reality..that i bear the title..many titles actually..of being 'princess of sickness' 'the daughter of wealthy businessman' 'a degree holder'
I have many people expecting great things from me. In which i could hardly fulfil.
And that turns on the headache..made my forehead wrinkled..and i could not foresee the future anymore.
8.45 pm
I went to susur keluar Kuala Dungun..a bit creepy drive before meeting jalan utama..and i found a mosque..not sure if its really a mosque or just my imagination..so much for the tell tales in the tv..some town folks just went out after Isyak prayer..then i just rush the prayers and went away..
In the bandar Kuala Dungun, searching for a place to have dinner..finally found a suitable place..like a medan selera..but not much customers..there's two groups of three men talking and two women also having dinner..
Got my order of typical nasi goreng, and barley..and ouch!! Is this actually barley or just plain sugar water.bleghh 😫 that made me ordered another hot water..a spoon of barley, dip it in hot water, and sip spoon by spoon..haha..how weird to drink just by spoon all the way down.
During waiting for my fried rice, there's a man came and sit in front, while two other women at back..turns out those women just came to get take away orders. While the man have his order a little late than me..and while all the time there, we just ate our food..glancing here and there for a bit..not even care of each other..and i said to myself..what a dull life i'm living in..nothing in this life attracts me anymore..not my family.not my friends.neither my hobbies that i usually plays or watch..there's no more desire in life..that made me decide to leave like this..no more people to ask me to do this and that..to which i don't desire anymore..
After paying rm7, i made way straight. Found the bus stand of Kuala Dungun. I didn't stop there. Since i'm still wearing inappropriate apparels..with also i forgot to leave my gold accessories..2 bracelets with a pendant..the 3 of it may account for rm20k in new prices..only that made me stop doing what i have in mind right now..
So..i got my way to find the kuala dungun beach..got my headache worsen that time..making my decision to find a place to sleep a bit tough..then i just followed the road until the end, made u-turn and found my way back to jalan utama..its a 1 way street so i just drove until found a Petronas, refill the fuel, rm30, and take a u- turn, finding my way back to the beach..
Along the way, many restaurants still open..but i cannot think anymore..at the very least, i found a suitable place, where its not too bright, not too dark, and not too creepy to stay..and ultimately, there's no people will park by any time..i just want a quality sleep time to ease this headache.
Turning off the engine, make sure the car locked, veil on the eyes, i finally slept..
Its not a too good place to sleep, i admit..many times i did awakened, moved my positions many times, and finally i sense a motorcycle came circling around the car and get gone..that time i got up and watch the time..it 3AM in the morning..
Feeling a bit alert..i started the car engine and drive back to the bus stand..found just one man reading a newspaper..and no other..then made my way across the bridge and arrive at the T-junction. It says 'Tanjung Jara' to the left, and 'Seberang Pintasan' to the right. With high curiosity level, i went to the right, just to find myself heading towards the water..just like at Seberang Takir..then made a u-turn to go to Tanjung Jara..its not a heavy road..and thus..not many cars along the way..sometimes there's not even homes on the sides..quite lonely feeling i guess..then i drive a bit faster..80-100km/h...even i didn't want to..this will make me arrive faster..nevertheless..i did wonder..if i went through this road i'll then arrive at batu buruk, in which the bus from kl-kt always across kuala dungun through chendering..is it the same road? Because i didn't ever remember going through Pulau Kerengga or Pantai Rantau Abang when travelling by bus..though some buses did overtake my car's speed along the way..
With the thinking and guessing..i finally meet again..with kuala terengganu streets..and made my way to the mosque near HSNZ..in which still closed before Subuh prayer..so i got forward..to a&w..and find a parking lot in front of the beach..directly behind the car park building of HSNZ..there i turned on the radio..in which i didn't do the whole time driving the car..due to the headache..i felt that i just don't want to hear anything..until just now..opening it just to wait for the azan to be heard..so that i could find a better place to sleep..
5am
The azan is calling..made my way for prayer..and before anyone noticing..i made the telekung as selimut..covering the whole head..like a dead meat..in the kain kafan..after the alquran recital..the mosque start to close again..and i had to head out..
7am
The stomach start growling..
As i find my way to catch any suitable restaurants..there's not many that i think i could stop by..not suitable enough..i mumble to myself..going through until Marang Province, made a u-turn and headback to K.T.
At the very last..i found myself back to Batu Buruk..at last..bought a simple snack of nasi lemak with two crab sticks.air suam.rm6.
At this time.i was thinking of going home.change attires.and went out again.board the bus.and this time.it'll be for real.no more people telling me to do this and that.no more people having hopes on me.no more living in a cage.no more restrictions of doing things that i like.no more.no more! Not ever! Anymore!!
Thinking of the time.its still early..before the two of them got to work..leaving the house empty..
Then now i have some time to get doze of somewhere.And so i got my way to chendering/pandak beach..not much of a good place to sleep..find my way to the ibai horse park..and in that ideal place there's a bunch of Bandaran people clearing the area..ughh..so frustrating..then head to the mosque..where i plan to pretend to solat dhuha and land on the carpet afterwards..well, the plan fails as there's a group of women learning quran with ustaz and the door to the mens area is wide open..plus there's a very peramah cleaners cleaning the mosque..just plain annoying in my sense of view..
And so i started back the engine, drove to Marang and went to the right, where i just drove straight to find the other main street of Kuala Berang, then made my way to the highway..so much of finding longer roads..to prevent myself bumping into them going to work in the usual roads..Then, i went ahead to Telemung..searching a shadowy place to stop by..and it failed..arriving at Jeram..i still think the time is too early and i may or may not bump into them..hence, i went to the left, climbing the highway again, got to Padang Air, and again, glancing to his office..and then made a left to Masjid Wakaf Tembesu..even its not much shadowy..i still slept at the parking lot..due to too much driving and my headache getting on my nerves again..
Since its morning to afternoon..the scorching sun irritates my skin and its not a really good sleeping time..
The time shows 12.30..well, times up and its now a good time to go back..
As i went to the front of the mosque, i saw the stalls and really felt i need to eat and drink..hence, there we go..air tebu,rm1.50, half ayam pusing, rm12.
I don't remember which road o use to get home. But when i get there, i saw the blue car..in my thoughts..is he home? Does he hid in the house to surprise me?? While i open the gate and parked the car..it still puzzled me..why does all the car here? Does he go with the red car?? Impossible..since my sister is using it..Then, how he go to office??
As the puzzle kept unanswered, i entered home slowly..to my cynical sense, there's a note with my black cellphone on the chair..it says "call back immediately".i neglect it.then,i went to bathe, check the pot for rice, and perform Zuhur prayers..when i tried to retrieve my ASUS cellphone..it was not there..cis!!telefon tu ambik plok..
And to my miracle..i did call them back..with a very heavy heart...and that marks the end of my journey..because i feel..that maybe..after 24hours its eligible for them to lodge police report..and once found, it'll be the end of me..no more freedom..and no more dignity to defend for..
THE END
Along the way, many restaurants still open..but i cannot think anymore..at the very least, i found a suitable place, where its not too bright, not too dark, and not too creepy to stay..and ultimately, there's no people will park by any time..i just want a quality sleep time to ease this headache.
Turning off the engine, make sure the car locked, veil on the eyes, i finally slept..
Its not a too good place to sleep, i admit..many times i did awakened, moved my positions many times, and finally i sense a motorcycle came circling around the car and get gone..that time i got up and watch the time..it 3AM in the morning..
Feeling a bit alert..i started the car engine and drive back to the bus stand..found just one man reading a newspaper..and no other..then made my way across the bridge and arrive at the T-junction. It says 'Tanjung Jara' to the left, and 'Seberang Pintasan' to the right. With high curiosity level, i went to the right, just to find myself heading towards the water..just like at Seberang Takir..then made a u-turn to go to Tanjung Jara..its not a heavy road..and thus..not many cars along the way..sometimes there's not even homes on the sides..quite lonely feeling i guess..then i drive a bit faster..80-100km/h...even i didn't want to..this will make me arrive faster..nevertheless..i did wonder..if i went through this road i'll then arrive at batu buruk, in which the bus from kl-kt always across kuala dungun through chendering..is it the same road? Because i didn't ever remember going through Pulau Kerengga or Pantai Rantau Abang when travelling by bus..though some buses did overtake my car's speed along the way..
With the thinking and guessing..i finally meet again..with kuala terengganu streets..and made my way to the mosque near HSNZ..in which still closed before Subuh prayer..so i got forward..to a&w..and find a parking lot in front of the beach..directly behind the car park building of HSNZ..there i turned on the radio..in which i didn't do the whole time driving the car..due to the headache..i felt that i just don't want to hear anything..until just now..opening it just to wait for the azan to be heard..so that i could find a better place to sleep..
5am
The azan is calling..made my way for prayer..and before anyone noticing..i made the telekung as selimut..covering the whole head..like a dead meat..in the kain kafan..after the alquran recital..the mosque start to close again..and i had to head out..
7am
The stomach start growling..
As i find my way to catch any suitable restaurants..there's not many that i think i could stop by..not suitable enough..i mumble to myself..going through until Marang Province, made a u-turn and headback to K.T.
At the very last..i found myself back to Batu Buruk..at last..bought a simple snack of nasi lemak with two crab sticks.air suam.rm6.
At this time.i was thinking of going home.change attires.and went out again.board the bus.and this time.it'll be for real.no more people telling me to do this and that.no more people having hopes on me.no more living in a cage.no more restrictions of doing things that i like.no more.no more! Not ever! Anymore!!
Thinking of the time.its still early..before the two of them got to work..leaving the house empty..
Then now i have some time to get doze of somewhere.And so i got my way to chendering/pandak beach..not much of a good place to sleep..find my way to the ibai horse park..and in that ideal place there's a bunch of Bandaran people clearing the area..ughh..so frustrating..then head to the mosque..where i plan to pretend to solat dhuha and land on the carpet afterwards..well, the plan fails as there's a group of women learning quran with ustaz and the door to the mens area is wide open..plus there's a very peramah cleaners cleaning the mosque..just plain annoying in my sense of view..
And so i started back the engine, drove to Marang and went to the right, where i just drove straight to find the other main street of Kuala Berang, then made my way to the highway..so much of finding longer roads..to prevent myself bumping into them going to work in the usual roads..Then, i went ahead to Telemung..searching a shadowy place to stop by..and it failed..arriving at Jeram..i still think the time is too early and i may or may not bump into them..hence, i went to the left, climbing the highway again, got to Padang Air, and again, glancing to his office..and then made a left to Masjid Wakaf Tembesu..even its not much shadowy..i still slept at the parking lot..due to too much driving and my headache getting on my nerves again..
Since its morning to afternoon..the scorching sun irritates my skin and its not a really good sleeping time..
The time shows 12.30..well, times up and its now a good time to go back..
As i went to the front of the mosque, i saw the stalls and really felt i need to eat and drink..hence, there we go..air tebu,rm1.50, half ayam pusing, rm12.
I don't remember which road o use to get home. But when i get there, i saw the blue car..in my thoughts..is he home? Does he hid in the house to surprise me?? While i open the gate and parked the car..it still puzzled me..why does all the car here? Does he go with the red car?? Impossible..since my sister is using it..Then, how he go to office??
As the puzzle kept unanswered, i entered home slowly..to my cynical sense, there's a note with my black cellphone on the chair..it says "call back immediately".i neglect it.then,i went to bathe, check the pot for rice, and perform Zuhur prayers..when i tried to retrieve my ASUS cellphone..it was not there..cis!!telefon tu ambik plok..
And to my miracle..i did call them back..with a very heavy heart...and that marks the end of my journey..because i feel..that maybe..after 24hours its eligible for them to lodge police report..and once found, it'll be the end of me..no more freedom..and no more dignity to defend for..
THE END
I want to be free
Haha..been 4 years already..this place is deserted..
And now i'm back..
Due to boredomness..
And no deadlines to do..
Like the years before..
Everyday struggling and meeting new topics..
But today..after one whole year..being stuck in a dusty place..i find nothingness..unbearable thoughts..of getting out of the cage..
I want to be free..
And now i'm back..
Due to boredomness..
And no deadlines to do..
Like the years before..
Everyday struggling and meeting new topics..
But today..after one whole year..being stuck in a dusty place..i find nothingness..unbearable thoughts..of getting out of the cage..
I want to be free..
A little update - 2016 status
Its been very long indeed. Too long actually.
I've been longing to write somewhere. Other than FB status.where many people just react directly.and i just dislike that.ever 😢
So here i am :)
With this little corner.
I'll write.
Whatever i want to.
Without just anyone messing around.
I've been longing to write somewhere. Other than FB status.where many people just react directly.and i just dislike that.ever 😢
So here i am :)
With this little corner.
I'll write.
Whatever i want to.
Without just anyone messing around.
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